Anxiety and Book Reading

So I have generalized anxiety. Which means everything has the potential to make me anxious. And recently, I have noticed, that one of my favorite things sometimes, just sometimes, makes me anxious.


Yes, reading.

Which is great cause I decided to have a book blog all of a sudden and now reading new books sometimes brings out my anxiety. Go me!

This is most evident when I am reading a book I really like. I have to put it down and walk away from it cause it gets to me. And then I have to do something to distance myself from the book for a little while, whether it’s for an hour or for a day.

This was most note-able to me while reading A Southern Book Club’s Guide to Slaying Vampires. That book made me anxious as all get out. It’s because I didn’t want it to end. I knew that if I finished it, it would be over and I wouldn’t be able to read it anymore. I kept having to put it down because it just made me so dang anxious!

I know I can’t be the only one out there that has this happen, am I?

When Life Has Got You Down

Well hello!

Mental health check!  How are you?

Me, I’m on a mild downswing with my bi-polar disorder.  For me, that means mild depression.  Oh joy.

I say mild because that’s what it is.

I find myself having a lack of desire to do things other than sitting around my house playing Animal Crossing.  And I only want to do that because it involves just sitting around my house!

I’m having trouble falling asleep at night and then, in the morning, I’m having trouble waking up!  That’s what you call a no-win situation. It’s because of the lack of sleep the night before leads to a desire to sleep in, but the alarm I set to try and wake myself up every day says no.  Bother.

This week I told myself I was going to start doing things.  I know, doing things won’t snap me out of my depression, nor do I expect it to, but my house won’t clean itself.

When I looked at the idea of cleaning my house it felt too daunting, so I skipped doing something on Monday.

On Tuesday I told myself that I was going to clean the master bathroom.  That didn’t happen.  It felt like an insurmountable task.  Like Sisyphus and his boulder.

Then, on  Wednesday, I decided to try something different.  If the idea of cleaning a whole room felt too huge, why not just clean part of it.

So I cleaned the shower.

Finally, a win!

I did something.

Thursday, I woke up early and met with my psychiatrist.  He doesn’t recommend changing my medication at this time, because, like most people, my change of mental state can be directly related to the chaos caused by Covid-19, even though my day to day life hasn’t changed much.

So for now, I just have to remember to be not to harsh with my self when I find it hard to get out of bed and to practice good self-care.

Oh, and lots of cuddles with this one.



That’s It, I’m Giving In

Well, I cracked.  I did it.  I gave in.  I decided to listen to my inner mental health cheerleader and paint the wall!


Yes, this bland fireplace wall is gonna get an update.

And the hubs will be so relieved that he no longer has to listen to me complain about it.  Heck, I will no longer have to listen to me complain about it!

Right now I’m in the color selecting process.


I did that by going online to various paint-related stores and searched their online catalogs.  Lowes and Sherwin Williams both had tools where you could upload your own home photo and see what the color would look like in the room that way.

I narrowed it down to two colors, both in different color families.

HGTV HOME by Sherwin-Williams Caviar Interior Paint Sample (Actual Net Contents: 8-fl oz)

Caviar by HGTV Home By Sherwin Williams.

HGTV HOME by Sherwin-Williams Dark Night Interior Paint Sample (Actual Net Contents: 8-fl oz)

And this is Dark Night by HGTV Home by Sherwin Williams.

Now I am choosing the colors by not painting them on the wall but on a canvas.  I have no access to posterboard right now, and I have the blank canvases in the house and I figured, why not.


This method helps me choose a color without committing to painting the wall should I decide that I dislike either color.


Use as many coats on your sample as you would on the wall for maximum opacity (is that actually a word or did the beauty gurus make it up?).


Each color is so very different.   I have one I am leaning towards though.  Which one do you think it is?


A Musical Day

Like so many us, my mental health hasn’t been great lately.  I have generalized anxiety, among other things, so pretty much everything has the opportunity to make me anxious.  And lately, there’s been a lot to be anxious about.

So I decided to take a day for me.

That’s right, I’m taking a self-care day!

I know I’ve talked my friends and family to death about this on social media because it makes me happy, but this past Friday all the musical things came out.  There were two Disney musical experiences and Phantom of the Opera!  I also watched some Golden Girls in between my musicals.

Yup, my self-care day was full of musicals and the Golden Girls.

And also cake!


I made a vegan chocolate cake the other day, so I can eat as much of it as I want and not upset my egg allergy! Mind you I only had one piece on my self-care day.  It’s a self-care day, not a make yourself sick on chocolate cake day.

Time for self-care has never been more important.  If you can’t break away for a whole day, try for an hour or two.  Just make some time for yourself.

You deserve it.




Social-Distancing as an Ambivert

I’m an ambivert.  It’s a fancy way of saying I am both an introvert and an extrovert.  Which is just a fancy way of saying that I am both comfortable at home with no friends to spend time with, or I am comfortable out with all the peoples!

And yes, the hubs and I are still very much into our social distance practicing.  And so should you.

I have to say, I miss the peoples.

But not hugely.

Not missing people, but still missing them, one of the joys of being an ambivert.

And, because I have anxiety, it is both a blessing and a curse.  Apparently, I get anxious when I don’t get to leave my house and do things like go to the movies by myself.  And my anxiousness expresses itself through restlessness, otherwise known as that feeling of “I don’t know what I want to do but I do know that it’s none of the things we have in the house and omg I’m gonna go crazy if I don’t figure it out”.

Those moments are usually accompanied by a lot of turning the tv on and back off again, picking up a book only to get bored of it two chapters in, followed up by moments of “I should bake something” only to realize I don’t actually want to bake anything.

Thankfully, I’m also perfectly happy just relaxing on my couch with my cup of tea, blanket, and a book.  I love being a walking contradiction.   It fills me with joy.

Are there any other ambiverts out there?  If so, how are you handling your time at home?


A Cathartic Cooking Experience

Last week I made a pre-Thanksgiving treat for my husband’s co-workers.

My family’s Chicken and Dumplings!


This recipe is a family rite of passage.  To learn is to have the knowledge of one of the most delicious foods to ever pass your lips.  It’s a fun tradition to have to pass down.


But its also bittersweet.  See, my dad taught me how to make this recipe.  And while I was making it I thought about all the good times we had making this together.

A lot of the time it was me rolling out the dough and him going “it’s not thin enough”  or “you need more flour!”.  These are things I already could tell, except for that first time.  That first time I was still eager for my father’s guidance.


But mostly it was about just being together in the kitchen.  Like giving mom a hard time, or talking to guests who had come over for the feast.  Let’s be real, for something like this, which is made from scratch and takes all day to cook, you only make it on holidays.


I miss my dad, but I’m glad I have this meal with these memories.


Veterans Day

Today is a bittersweet day for me.

Yes, it’s a day when we proudly stand up as a nation and say “we support our veterans”.  But this year my family lost two of them.

My father and my second cousin.

They both served their country and after the wars they fought, they each came home to fight two very different battles.  But battles they were nonetheless.

We love and miss you both.



Well, I Joined a Gym

Believe me, this is as much of a shock to me as it is to you.

Me, in a gym!!

Yes, it will be happening.  It needs to happen.  I need to get healthier.

And not just physically healthier.  Exercise can be good for your mental health as well.  So says the internet!  And my doctor.  Doctors are sometimes right about such things.


Well, I can do this because I am an adult and I can adult the shit out of this, right?  Right?


The Art of Finding a Therapist, Part One

So I am currently trying to find a therapist.  After all the loses over the past few months, some counseling seems like a good idea.  My doctor was helpful and provided me with a 6-page list of therapists to choose from.

6 pages!  Front and Back!  12 pages total!  Ack!!!

You think I kid, but I do not.  Luckily, only 4 of those pages were for adult therapies/in the area of town I was looking.

Gotta have that criteria.

Speaking of, here are a few tips to helping you find a therapist before you even meet with one.  Or, at least, tips I used when trying to find a therapist.

1. Do your research.  A google search is great, but don’t forget to look at their websites and check their approach to therapy.  Make sure their approach aligns with your goals.  Scour those websites.  Check the address to make sure it’s in a real building.  Check reviews if you can find them.

2. Call multiple therapists.  Some may not call you back for days, and some may not call you back at all.

3. Don’t be afraid to make appointments with multiple therapists.  It may take a while before you find someone you really click with.

So far I’ve researched and called 2 pages of this list and only have two appointments.  It’s slow going, but I know the end result will be worth it.